On My Mind

Simply needed to write a few things out

So, I have found the need to write myself out of this depressed state that I am in.

Of course you wonder… “Why so depressed? Don’t you realize how blessed you are compared to others?”

Blah Blah Blah

Yes, I realized that I am an extremely blessed woman. I have a million things to be thankful/grateful for.

That doesn’t change the fact that I suffer from clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. There is no cure for these things. There is only treatment.

Recently I was doing very well with my treatment regimen, which does not include any medication. I tried the stuff. It did more harm than good in my case so I gave it up.

However, a series of events sort of created a snowball effect that has brought me to this place I am in now.

Rather than focus on all the negative things that I have had to deal with over the past year, I figure I should climb my way out of this whole by focusing on all the things that I have learned about myself. Also, I need to focus on the positive things that have happened during that time as well.

First, I am a natural born helper. I am naturally drawn to helping people. Hell I am a counselor/teacher in my day job. I also have a very keen sense of when I am being used, either on purpose or by sheer coincidence. I need to do better at listening to my gut. I need to make sure that helping someone else is not hurting me in the short term or long term. (I wrote a poem about that.)

Second, I fall in love with not only the person but I have a knack for seeing the person that they will become. This is a good thing. Too many people fall in love only with someone’s potential. A lot of people never reach their potential. You need to love the person exactly as they are. I have learned never to build on the fact that someone may change. I take people as they come. I need to remember that I am worth someone doing the same for me. I don’t need to deal with the verbal abuse of someone constantly telling me what is wrong with me. I don’t need to deal with people who spend their lives playing games. I don’t need to deal with someone who cannot see that I am worth them stepping up and taking initiative.

Third, I am grateful for all the projects that I have worked on over the past year. It doesn’t matter if they were successful or not. I am thankful for all the lessons that I have learned. I have learned what I like to do and what I don’t like to do. I learned where some hidden talents are. I have learned that I don’t work well in groups. I make it work and I can be a team player. I just prefer to handle my tasks alone.

Lastly, I am comfortable in silence. I prefer not to let my mind wander. I love a good conversation. I am just more comfortable when I don’t have to talk a lot. Recent surgery has forced me to be quiet more and I have developed a fondness for it. I adore being able to write my thoughts down. I love tweeting and blogging. I love emails and text messages. This puts me at odds with many people, but I figure I really didn’t want to communicate with those people anyway. Everyone has the language that they speak. I speak the written language. I am a host. I will continue to get up in front of people and talk for as long as I do host. However, I am grateful to understand and be comfortable with who I am and how I communicate.

 

My final positive affirmations:

I am good enough. I may not be what one person wants, but that is no reflection on me.

I will allow my creativity to shine whether anyone gets it or not.

I cannot help anyone if I cannot first help myself.

There are blessings and rays of hope in every day. As long as I focus on that then the negativity cannot weigh me down.

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